After Peeing Feel Like Peeing Again

How do I stop being so aroused after my husband had an affair? Nosotros are trying to piece of work information technology out, only I can't let go of the anger and it seems to exist pushing him away. I want to hurt him like he injure me, but I don't want to lose him. What to do? —Steamed
Dear Steamed,

Feeling angry is an incredibly natural response to the feelings of betrayal that come up from adultery. Your married man broke your trust. Your human relationship has been damaged. All of this is very existent and comes with legitimate emotional reactions.

Anger is a powerful emotion, and it can mask other feelings. I'm guessing yous are also tremendously hurt. Anger may experience like a safer way to manage your pain, merely it will tiresome your healing. Admitting and confronting the pain behind the acrimony is essential, and it requires vulnerability—which is hard when you lot are dealing with this kind of breach of trust.

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Time, of course, helps in the healing process. I wonder, though, what it is yous might need from your hubby to help you with that healing. I'm guessing that right at present atoning words and acts of contrition are non helping you let become and move on. Often, when nosotros accept been hurt, nosotros demand to experience that the other person truly understands the pain we are experiencing and gets how serious the emotional pain and expose really are. Your hubby may think he has accustomed responsibility and gets how hurt you are, but it can accept time for the empathy you lot need to feel from him to actually be heard and felt in a meaningful mode. Until that happens, the rest of the healing—grieving, letting get, reconnecting—can't really move forrad.

There are many ways people choose to repent, and some really are meliorate than others. "I'chiliad sorry" alone rarely makes the states feel better. "I'one thousand sorry for everything" tin can as well feel general and unsatisfying. If, still, we hear, "I'm sorry for doing [specific activeness] and making y'all feel [accurate reflection of feeling]," we can feel understood and run into that person showing empathy and taking responsibility, which helps us move forwards.

While y'all are waiting to feel that empathy, all the same, there are steps yous can have to reduce your distress. Although your husband's actions created this situation, his actions lone won't necessarily change it. Ultimately, that is because other people cannot make us feel a certain way—we take a part in choosing our own reactions. What we feel ofttimes comes from the meaning we make of an consequence. What does this affair mean to you lot? What are yous telling yourself about information technology?

For instance, are y'all telling yourself that his affair ways he doesn't dearest you lot or doesn't beloved you enough? Are you dealing with fear that it volition happen again? Are you stuck on the message, "I didn't deserve this. How could he do this to me? This isn't right"? By uncovering those letters, you lot tin look at the ones that are keeping yous stuck in a place of anger and piece of work to allow those get. This will accept time and work. Y'all can't just flip the aroused/not aroused switch. Having an open up conversation with your husband almost the time you demand to work through your thoughts and feelings tin can be helpful. Letting him know what you need from him during that fourth dimension tin can assistance appoint him in the healing process and likewise beginning the two of you working toward becoming partners again.

One common bulletin that betrayed spouses struggle with is, "Information technology's non off-white. He/She had an affair and 'gets abroad' with it because I want to stay married." That is a fallacy that keeps you stuck in an angry, resentful identify. In truth, nobody is getting away with anything. Both of y'all take lost the relationship you had. Yous are suffering, and he is likely aware that his deportment are at the root of that suffering. If he cares about you, that awareness is a source of pain for him. Also, you lot "get" to be the forgiving spouse, and he is stuck beingness the 1 who "did yous wrong." That'south non a fun role to play no matter how deserved it might be. I don't say this to minimize your pain. You are entitled to feel angry and hurt. If, however, you are able to recognize that he may be in pain every bit well, you may have an opportunity to connect with each other.

The past cannot be undone. So, you are faced with a selection. If you lot truly want to stay with him and rebuild a human relationship together, yous are going to need to choose to let information technology go. You are going to take to focus on the good that is between yous, to let the balance of a life together outweigh the pain of infidelity. You are going to take to connect with each other on a deeper level and recognize that y'all are both suffering without focusing on laying arraign for that suffering at his feet.

The impulse to lash out and hurt when we've been hurt is very man only ultimately non helpful if you want to reconnect. You say yous don't want to lose him, but something has been lost. The relationship you lot had prior to the affair is lost. It is OK to need some time to grieve that loss. It is also OK (and I strongly recommend) that you get some help with all of this. I urge you lot and your husband to find a couples advisor who can work with yous on how to reconnect after an affair. You tin can build something together, and information technology can be something beautiful, but information technology will be something new. You cannot go back to the place you were before, and wishing for that is going to keep you stuck in this place of hurting and, yes, anger.

Best of luck,
Erika

Erika Myers

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist and sometime educator specializing in working with families in transition (often due to separation or divorce) as well as individuals seeking support with relationship problems, parenting, depression, anxiety, grief/loss/bereavement, and managing major life changes. Although her theoretical orientation is eclectic, she most frequently uses a person-centered, strengths-based approach and cognitive behavioral therapy in her practice.

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Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/how-do-i-shake-the-anger-i-feel-after-my-husbands-affair